Recently though, I've been going through a period where I've lost at least one of my sounding boards forever, my mom, due to Alzheimer's/dementia, (no more negativity around her, it affects her badly); and another at least temporarily, because of all the crap she's had to deal with lately.
In fact, part of why I'm writing this is because of not only what's going on with me, but with my friends. It seems as though everyone I feel the closest to is going through a very rough time right now. Friends with cancer, car wrecks, deaths, being hit by a car, you name it, and my friends are going through it; and handling it much better than me and what I'm going through. At least that's been my perspective of late.
Because I do care about my friends, but feel helpless in doing anything for them, I've shut down. I stay to myself, because I don't want to start complaining about what I'm going through when they're having a rougher time than I am. I want to be them, I want to be stronger, and do better, and not have to cry on someone all the time. So, that's what I've been trying to do.
In the process, I'm fairly sure at least one friend thinks I don't like them anymore, because I haven't checked in with them in months. Meanwhile, I'm just plugging away, trying to get along and be strong like everyone around me seems to be.
I started noticing changes in myself, but ignored them as long as I could. If I didn't acknowledge it, it would go away. It didn't. I remember at some point just posting this photo on Facebook, without saying anything about it.
I had friends who commented, asking if I was okay. I realized then that all I'd done was draw attention to myself, which is what I was actually trying to avoid. I private messaged those that asked, and was honest, I said no, I'm not okay. Guilt at admitting that much however, (because I was still trying to be as strong as I perceived those around me to be), kept me from going into any details. I decided at that point, no more posts on Facebook about it. If someone asked, I'd be honest and say no, I'm not okay; but wouldn't allow myself to go into details. It was my compromise with myself. Another part of the compromise I made, I realized later: I'm down, and broken, but I'm not crazy. Yet, those who don't know me may think I'm crazy. Despite everything, and generally not caring about things anymore, I still care what others may think about me.
At the same time this was going on with me, one of the guys I listen to on the radio in the morning, Tony Russell, of Tony, Jake and Jenn, (98.7 The Bull in Portland, Oregon), was always talking about the divorce he was going through at that time. I haven't met Tony yet, but listening to him on the air talk about his troubles somehow comforted me. There was one time I especially connected with something he said, about just starting to cry for no reason, no matter where he might be. THAT was exactly what was going on with me as well.
Then, earlier this week, Tony was talking on the air about how there'd been a complaint from a listener specifically about him. This listener stated that they didn't want to hear about Tony's "train wreck of a life". Tony wasn't upset about the listener's complaint, however, he did feel compelled to write a post about it on his blog on the station's website. Of course I had to read his post; I had to see what his response to this person was going to be. Until then, I hadn't even considered that what I felt comforted by, and not so alone, would be annoying to someone else.
After I read it, I emailed Tony, asking if I could put a link to his post on my blog. What Tony wrote is spot on to how I've been feeling; he's worded it better than I would have though, and I think it's something everyone should read. For those who are interested, this is a link to Tony's original post: http://www.987thebull.com/hi-name-tony-im-beautifully-broken/
For now, I'm still not okay, but I'm trying to do better, and I AM better than I was.
