I'm Not Okay...But I'm Trying to Be...

I will be the first to admit, I'm insecure about almost everything.  I've always had those people in my life who have been my "sounding boards"; those individuals who will listen to you rant, rave, cry, complain, and also laugh and share the happiness in life, all without judgement. Even when I'm at a point where I sound narcissistic, these people know the real me enough to know that I'm really NOT that way.  That I DO care about others, how they feel, etc., almost to a fault, because I empathize with them.

Recently though, I've been going through a period where I've lost at least one of my sounding boards forever, my mom, due to Alzheimer's/dementia, (no more negativity around her, it affects her badly); and another at least temporarily, because of all the crap she's had to deal with lately.

In fact, part of why I'm writing this is because of not only what's going on with me, but with my friends.  It seems as though everyone I feel the closest to is going through a very rough time right now.  Friends with cancer, car wrecks, deaths, being hit by a car, you name it, and my friends are going through it; and handling it much better than me and what I'm going through.  At least that's been my perspective of late.  

Because I do care about my friends, but feel helpless in doing anything for them, I've shut down.  I stay to myself, because I don't want to start complaining about what I'm going through when they're having a rougher time than I am.  I want to be them, I want to be stronger, and do better, and not have to cry on someone all the time.  So, that's what I've been trying to do.  

In the process, I'm fairly sure at least one friend thinks I don't like them anymore, because I haven't checked in with them in months.  Meanwhile, I'm just plugging away, trying to get along and be strong like everyone around me seems to be.

I started noticing changes in myself, but ignored them as long as I could.  If I didn't acknowledge it, it would go away.  It didn't.  I remember at some point just posting this photo on Facebook, without saying anything about it.                                                                     

  I had friends who commented, asking if I was okay.  I realized then that all I'd done was draw attention to myself, which is what I was actually trying to avoid.  I private messaged those that asked, and was honest, I said no, I'm not okay.  Guilt at admitting that much however, (because I was still trying to be as strong as I perceived those around me to be), kept me from going into any details.  I decided at that point, no more posts on Facebook about it.  If someone asked, I'd be honest and say no, I'm not okay; but wouldn't allow myself to go into details.  It was my compromise with myself.  Another part of the compromise I made, I realized later:  I'm down, and broken, but I'm not crazy.  Yet, those who don't know me may think I'm crazy.  Despite everything, and generally not caring about things anymore, I still care what others may think about me.

At the same time this was going on with me, one of the guys I listen to on the radio in the morning, Tony Russell, of Tony, Jake and Jenn, (98.7 The Bull in Portland, Oregon), was always talking about the divorce he was going through at that time.  I haven't met Tony yet, but listening to him on the air talk about his troubles somehow comforted me.  There was one time I especially connected with something he said, about just starting to cry for no reason, no matter where he might be.  THAT was exactly what was going on with me as well.  

Then, earlier this week, Tony was talking on the air about how there'd been a complaint from a listener specifically about him.  This listener stated that they didn't want to hear about Tony's "train wreck of a life".  Tony wasn't upset about the listener's complaint, however, he did feel compelled to write a post about it on his blog on the station's website. Of course I had to read his post; I had to see what his response to this person was going to be.  Until then, I hadn't even considered that what I felt comforted by, and not so alone, would be annoying to someone else.

After I read it, I emailed Tony, asking if I could put a link to his post on my blog.  What Tony wrote is spot on to how I've been feeling; he's worded it better than I would have though, and I think it's something everyone should read.  For those who are interested, this is a link to Tony's original post:  http://www.987thebull.com/hi-name-tony-im-beautifully-broken/

For now, I'm still not okay, but I'm trying to do better, and I AM better than I was.  

Kristy Lee Cook @ the Bing Lounge-9-10-12

(Today's word will be in red and bold.)


On Monday, September 10, 2012, Oregon native, Kristy Lee Cook took to the stage of the Bing Lounge; most probably remember Cook from her stint on "American Idol".

Listening to Cook sing, it's clear why she made it onto the show; she's personable, with an excellent voice capable of singing all types of music.  While some may shudder at covering classic country, Cook tackled Patsy Cline's "Crazy"; doing a fabulous job of keeping true to the song, yet making it her own at the same time.

At the end of her short set, Cook told the story behind her current radio single, "Airborne Ranger Infantry", before launching into the song.  It's a beautiful tune, which hopefully will catch on with listeners and become the hit it deserves to be.

If you have a chance to see Kristy Lee Cook in concert, don't hesitate to do so; it will be well worth your time.

(A side note here; some may have noticed that I've posted about a show from September 10th, yet, have posted nothing about "Stars & Guitars", which was September 9th.  No worries, that post will be coming soon.  I'll have a full recap of the days events; from local opener, Ben Rue, to headliner, Craig Morgan, and everything in between.)

One Of THOSE Days...

(Today's "KUPL Listener Blog Word" is in the post just below this one.)

Ever have one of those days? Not a bad day, nothing going wrong or anything.

Just kind of tired. Tired due to lack of sleep, yet not really sleepy.

Except your mind; your mind just races around dragging you with it, wherever it decides to go.

And it doesn't necessarily go anywhere it usually does; or stay in any one place for long.

That's me today! Added to the equation is that I talk a lot when I'm tired. Okay, those who know me will tell you THAT'S normal for me; I ALWAYS talk a lot!

The difference when I'm tired is that I drive myself crazy, as well as everyone around me.

Even when I'm not talking out loud, my mind is bouncing around, talking and just spinning, and I get silly. Not just the usual silliness, but really silly. Bad puns, bad jokes, chatter, chatter, chatter. It's like someone is playing multiple games of ping pong in the space between my ears!

And then it just goes, and goes, and goes, on, and on, and on. Music usually helps though. I can put on my headphones and drown myself out with music; unless I forget my mp3 player, like today. Then I'm just stuck with the racing, running and all. What happens when I get this way is, I have to find some way to get it out, which isn't easy. It's not easy because I can't type, or write as fast as I can talk or think. So after awhile everything just jumbles together into total chaos. Forget paragraphs and punctuation; I'm just lucky to actually spell things correctly! Even when I start out with paragraphs and all, it will usually end up being one big massive knot of words and symbols that don't make any sense to anyone but me, because it's what's in my head as I type. A friend once told me it's like my mind gets too full and has to throw up the excess; isn't THAT a pretty picture?! NOT! I guess it's true though, since I'm typing and this paragraph seems to be getting longer and longer, and I'm rambling more and more. Which is why the name of my blog is "Ramblings from a KUPL Listener", because that's what I do best; ramble!And in the course of rambling, other thoughts are brought to mind, so I go off in that direction, which leads to another, and another, and well, yeah, I think you're getting the idea. Really thought righting it out wood help; knot shure it did tho. Maybee it did, what dew u think? I'm thinking spelling is highly overrated. I think I should just right as I go, (or left, since I'm left handed); or maybe this should just be left a loan. Speaking of a loan, I could use won of those; a bit short on funds. Gnaw, knot really, just won of those there thoughts again. Gotta love puns! I do, four, (or is that "fore"?), shure! I think the punnier, the better! Just luv them! This is really getting annoying! This is what I've ben trying to explain here; hope its making some sense to someone! O good grief, somebody please save me from myself already!.....

The Excessive Use Of The "S" Word

(Today's word will be in ALL CAPS, BOLD, ITALIC, and STRIKETHROUGH.)

There are just some words that should not be said, especially at this time of year. The one I dislike the most is the "S" word.

For some reason around this time of year, like clockwork, you start hearing people everywhere spouting this bad four letter word. Doesn't matter if they're young or old, wild and crazy, or prim and proper, everyone just starts saying the "S" word, even little kids! In fact, the littlest kids seem to get the most pleasure repeating the "S" word, over and over; and their parents let them!

I'm not a fan of the "S" word for the most part. I realize it has it's time and place to be mentioned, but I still don't like it.

Let me clarify that last statement. Over all I don't like the "S" word, or the excessive use of it. However, if it's a weekend, and I have no plans, then I'm okay with it. If that's the case, then the "S" word is more than welcome to be said; as long as it's not said when the weekday comes around, and I have to go to work.

By now you've probably figured out what "S" word I'm speaking of, and if so know why I don't like it.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I guess I'll have to spell it out in this post. Be forewarned however, if you don't like the "S" word, you may not want to read further.

With that said, here goes nothing: SNOW!

There, it's been put in a blog post for the world to see! What's that? That's not the "S" word you were expecting? What word were you thinking of then?! :)