I'm Not Okay...But I'm Trying to Be...

I will be the first to admit, I'm insecure about almost everything.  I've always had those people in my life who have been my "sounding boards"; those individuals who will listen to you rant, rave, cry, complain, and also laugh and share the happiness in life, all without judgement. Even when I'm at a point where I sound narcissistic, these people know the real me enough to know that I'm really NOT that way.  That I DO care about others, how they feel, etc., almost to a fault, because I empathize with them.

Recently though, I've been going through a period where I've lost at least one of my sounding boards forever, my mom, due to Alzheimer's/dementia, (no more negativity around her, it affects her badly); and another at least temporarily, because of all the crap she's had to deal with lately.

In fact, part of why I'm writing this is because of not only what's going on with me, but with my friends.  It seems as though everyone I feel the closest to is going through a very rough time right now.  Friends with cancer, car wrecks, deaths, being hit by a car, you name it, and my friends are going through it; and handling it much better than me and what I'm going through.  At least that's been my perspective of late.  

Because I do care about my friends, but feel helpless in doing anything for them, I've shut down.  I stay to myself, because I don't want to start complaining about what I'm going through when they're having a rougher time than I am.  I want to be them, I want to be stronger, and do better, and not have to cry on someone all the time.  So, that's what I've been trying to do.  

In the process, I'm fairly sure at least one friend thinks I don't like them anymore, because I haven't checked in with them in months.  Meanwhile, I'm just plugging away, trying to get along and be strong like everyone around me seems to be.

I started noticing changes in myself, but ignored them as long as I could.  If I didn't acknowledge it, it would go away.  It didn't.  I remember at some point just posting this photo on Facebook, without saying anything about it.                                                                     

  I had friends who commented, asking if I was okay.  I realized then that all I'd done was draw attention to myself, which is what I was actually trying to avoid.  I private messaged those that asked, and was honest, I said no, I'm not okay.  Guilt at admitting that much however, (because I was still trying to be as strong as I perceived those around me to be), kept me from going into any details.  I decided at that point, no more posts on Facebook about it.  If someone asked, I'd be honest and say no, I'm not okay; but wouldn't allow myself to go into details.  It was my compromise with myself.  Another part of the compromise I made, I realized later:  I'm down, and broken, but I'm not crazy.  Yet, those who don't know me may think I'm crazy.  Despite everything, and generally not caring about things anymore, I still care what others may think about me.

At the same time this was going on with me, one of the guys I listen to on the radio in the morning, Tony Russell, of Tony, Jake and Jenn, (98.7 The Bull in Portland, Oregon), was always talking about the divorce he was going through at that time.  I haven't met Tony yet, but listening to him on the air talk about his troubles somehow comforted me.  There was one time I especially connected with something he said, about just starting to cry for no reason, no matter where he might be.  THAT was exactly what was going on with me as well.  

Then, earlier this week, Tony was talking on the air about how there'd been a complaint from a listener specifically about him.  This listener stated that they didn't want to hear about Tony's "train wreck of a life".  Tony wasn't upset about the listener's complaint, however, he did feel compelled to write a post about it on his blog on the station's website. Of course I had to read his post; I had to see what his response to this person was going to be.  Until then, I hadn't even considered that what I felt comforted by, and not so alone, would be annoying to someone else.

After I read it, I emailed Tony, asking if I could put a link to his post on my blog.  What Tony wrote is spot on to how I've been feeling; he's worded it better than I would have though, and I think it's something everyone should read.  For those who are interested, this is a link to Tony's original post:  http://www.987thebull.com/hi-name-tony-im-beautifully-broken/

For now, I'm still not okay, but I'm trying to do better, and I AM better than I was.  

It's Been Awhile

Wow!

I had no idea until just a couple days ago that it's been a YEAR since I've posted anything to this blog!  Not cool!  I've decided it's time to fire up the keyboard and start posting again, hopefully on a more regular basis, like in the past.

With that said, I'll start right now with where I left off last year, wishing everyone and their family and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Birthday Fun

(Note: The word for today is supposed to be red, in all caps. Unable to do that, so please look for the BOLD, italic, word with a strikethrough. That is today's 5,000 point word.)


I’ve always loved birthdays; friends, family, and especially my own. I share my birthday with my Uncle Dean; though we’re enough years apart that we didn’t ever have to actually “share” the day.

To some people, their birthday is just another day of the year. For the most part, I suppose they’re right. It just means you’re another year older. I’ve never really looked at birthdays that way however; I’ve always seen them as that person’s day, their day to do what they want, all day. That’s what I do for my birthday, find something I really want to do and do it, even if I do nothing.

This year, I asked a HUGE favor of the “Simon in the Morning” team; I asked if I could come in on Friday, August 12, and hang out for the whole show. The answer was yes, so I showed up at the Pacwest Center at 4:45 am, ready to hang out in the studio for the next few hours.

At the time, I never mentioned it was my birthday; I didn’t feel it was necessary. I knew it was my birthday, and I knew that’s why I wanted to hang out at KUPL, it wasn’t important that anyone else knew. Darned Facebook though, it busted me! Jake was checking Facebook for various things, and discovered my BIRTHDAY listed there for that day, ACK!

Despite that, I had a blast just hanging out watching the morning team work. They even put me on the air to do celebrity birthdays during “Simon’s Celebrity Soup”.

Originally they were going to do another game for listeners to win a prize, though it got changed along the way to a “Country Music Throwdown”, between Scott and me. The rules were, there were questions about country music and artists; if Scott won, the listener who’d called in would lose. If *I* won, the listener won; no pressure there, EEK!!!

Luckily I won!!! Though Scott did get one question that I *should* have known, (actually I did know, I just went blank at that moment; very frustrating!!!). And I guess one question really was a “throw away”. Really, of all people, if *I* didn’t know David Lee Murphy’s birthday, I’d have to give up my title, (and license plate), of DLM Fan!

This is an old photo of my plates, they really are current through 2011!

Before leaving the station, I also got roped in to being part of that day’s “Simon 90”, though I don’t like being in front of any kind of camera.

Over all, as I said, I had a BLAST! It was like being able to go play at the “cool kid’s house”, instead of hanging out at home.

So, thank you Scott, Jolynn and Jake for letting me do that; it made my birthday a special one I’ll always remember.

Wedding Bell Blues

 Today’s “Simon in the Morning” show focused primarily on the upcoming wedding of Scott Simon’s daughter.  Scott said he wants his daughter to have the wedding she wants; however, he wished there was a more inexpensive way to do it.   He didn’t understand why there had to be a full, sit-down dinner at the reception, instead of just cake and punch.

Jake, on the other hand, saw no reason why there shouldn’t be a full dinner served.  He said that people come to weddings to eat.  

Maybe it’s like Jolynn said, it seems those of us in the older generation have no problem with just cake, or a potluck; while the younger generation seems to want more.  I have no problem going to a wedding and just having cake and punch.  Then again, I don’t go to that many weddings, and when I do, it’s not for the food; it’s to see the couple getting married. 

Honestly, isn’t that why it’s called a “wedding”?   People have weddings to share their special moment with friends and family.  The reception comes later, as a courtesy, (in my opinion), of the couple.  It’s a way of thanking everyone for coming to the wedding. If it was called a “reception”, THEN you could have the big, fancy, sit-down dinner, open bar, the works; and for extra entertainment for the guests, throw in a wedding. 

A suggestion I had was that having a wedding is all in the timing.  Schedule the wedding after lunch, but early enough before dinner; it would eliminate the whole, “feeding everyone”, problem.  People would be full from lunch; feed them punch and cake at the reception; they’re good to go until they get home for dinner.

Another topic that came up in the discussion this morning was where did all these traditions come from?   Some were easy to explain, like the parents paying for the wedding.  It probably evolved from when brides used to have a dowry.  To honor a suitor wanting to marry a man’s daughter, the man’s family would throw in a “bonus”; usually a goat, or something useful like that.  

Things aren’t like that now however.  It seems as the times have changed, so have the traditions.  Nowadays, the family of the bride is expected to pay for the wedding; while the groom’s family is responsible for the rehearsal dinner.  Well, at least that’s how it was when *I* got married.  Not sure it’s even that way anymore.

Then again, when I got married, my husband to be and I paid for it ourselves.  We felt that if *we* were the ones getting married, then *we* should be the ones to pay for it.  And we had a nice wedding, with everything the way we wanted it.  Okay, we got a little crazy; we didn’t have just cake and punch at our reception.  We upped the ante a bit by also having coffee, cashews and M&M’s.  Doesn’t sound like much, but there was a reason for it.  If there were leftovers, we didn’t want to be stuck with a bunch of stuff we didn’t like.  It was our wedding, and his favorite thing was cashews, and mine was M&M’s; so that’s what we had.

I don’t know, it seems as time goes on, people want everything bigger and better than the last person.  Not just weddings, but everything in general.  Back on the subject of weddings though, I had a thought.  Since traditions have evolved with the times, maybe they should evolve some more.  It seems nowadays that the younger generation is more educated; getting married later in life, and generally establishing themselves before settling down.  Not everyone maybe, but it does seem a majority of younger people are trending this way.

If that’s the case, here’s my suggestion for whom pays for a wedding:  The couple getting married.  Why not?  If they’re ready to get married, settle down, and be responsible, what better way than starting with paying for their own wedding?  Yes, it’s the bride’s special day, and she’s going to want everything to be perfect and special.  If she can’t afford what she wants for a wedding though, maybe it’s not time for marriage.  Or maybe she could lower her expectations, or find a way to work her budget around what she’s planning for the wedding.  

 I’m pretty sure a lot of people will disagree with me on this, and that’s okay.  This is just my opinion.  I’m sure if I were in Scott’s shoes, I’d feel the same way he does.  Every parent wants to do whatever they can for their child, me included.  I do feel though that it’s a viable solution to the high cost of a wedding.

One thing I feel shouldn’t happen at a wedding, or reception, is asking guests to pay.  These are friends and family that have been invited to the event; if they’re invited, why are they being asked to pay for it?  It seems totally tacky to me to do that.  Then again, if the couple who is marrying happens to be starving actors, this might be an opportunity.  Hmmm…I can see it now…

It could be a real life “Tony & Tina’s Wedding”, just change the names to the names of the couple, and go from there.  In this case, it *could* be a dinner theater, with each guest paying for their meal, and watching the wedding take place. 

If dinner is too expensive, even with guests paying, it could always be staged as a matinee.  Instead of dinner, guests would pay a lower price for the “show”, and have cake and punch instead.  VIP guests could upgrade to coffee, nuts and mints. 

Then again, with all the things that happen at Tony & Tina’s fictional wedding, maybe trying to do that in real life isn’t such a great idea.

I guess what it boils down to is, however a wedding and reception is paid for, it should be the best it can be for the couple.