He's Got the Blues

A few years ago our dog, Buttons, injured his back by jumping off my bed the wrong way.  It hasn't happened since then, until this past Monday.  My son and I came home from a meeting and found Buttons just huddled on the floor shaking.  I knew that shake wasn't fear, I remembered it from the last time he was hurt.

I made an appointment with Buttons' vet for the next day, and my son took him in to be checked.  Sure enough, Buttons had tweaked his back again.

It seems while at the vet however, Buttons didn't want to cooperate.  Understandable, as he was in pain and hasn't ever liked strangers touching him. He tried to nip at the vet and his assistants, resulting in him having to be muzzled.  Then when it came time to have his x-rays taken, the assistant put a pair of "doggles" over his eyes to protect them.  It was at that point my son decided he needed a picture of Buttons in his new attire, so he whipped out his cell phone, snapped a shot, and posted it on his Facebook page.

Though I felt bad for Buttons, I did think it was a cute pic of him.  The following day, I showed my co-workers the pic, and told the story of what had happened at the vet.  One of my co-workers, Jeanne, said Buttons looked like a blues singer.  The idea got stuck in my head and just wouldn't leave until I did something about it.  That "something" was to write a blues song for Buttons.  I then took the song to Jeanne, who became my co-writer, making suggestions of how to make the song even better.

Long story short, I decided to share Butttons' blues ditty with the rest of the world, (or at least my friends), via my blog page.  With that said, following is the pic and blues song it inspired.  When reading the lyrics, it's helpful to keep a common blues riff in mind; the one that's slow and goes, "duh duh...duh duh duh duh duh..."  (I tried to find a sample to put here, but had no luck.)  If you're not sure which riff I mean, I'm sure any slow, bluesy riff will work.  Enjoy!

THE BLUE MUZZLE DOGGLE BLUES

Went to my doc

'Cause I had a pain

Doc told my owner

"He's got a strain"

"In his back"

"Same as before"

"He's got it again"

Oooooh yeah, I got it again.  (Pitiful howl)

Then that doc

Though I was sore,

He poked,

And he prodded 

Til I couldn't 

Take it no more

(Low growl)  No more, no couldn't take it no more

Went on the defense

Wanted him to stop

So I took a nip

At his fingers

Yeah that doc, 

He almost got bit

(Kind of snarling)  Oh, oh, oh, yeah, almost got bit

And in return

What did I get,

A blue muzzle wrapped 'round my lip

Yeah, a bright blue muzzle right on my lip

(A second of silence because of the muzzle, then restart)

But the doc,

He wasn't done yet,

Oh, oh, oooooh no, he wasn't done yet

Took x-rays 

Of my backside

But 'fore he did

Made sure I had

Doggles covering my lids

(Hoarse whisper)  Doggles, goggles for dogs

Oh yeah, he put doggles on my lids

Then to my dismay

See my owner

Aim his cell phone my way

(Pitiful howl)  Oooooh, no, no, no, don't do me this way

Didn't care

How silly I looked

Just snapped a pic

And posted it to Facebook

(Sad sound)  Put it on Facebook for all to take a look

(Moaning howl)  Oooooh the humiliation

(Moaning howl)  Oh, oh, oh, the shame

Don't think

No, don't think

I'll ever

Be the same

(Long, pitiful howl)  No, I'll never be the same

Yeah, I got me 

A bad case of

Those doggone

Blue muzzle

Doggle blues

(Low voice)  A bad, bad case of

(Low voice)  Those doggone

(Low voice)  Blue muzzle

(Low voice)  Doggle blues

(Go from low voice, to loud howl)  I said a bad case of

(Continue loud howl)  Those doggone

(Continue loud howl)  Blue muzzle

(Continue loud howl)  Doggle

(Pitch voice up to a howling shriek)  BAH - LOOOOO - ZZZZZ

I'm Not Okay...But I'm Trying to Be...

I will be the first to admit, I'm insecure about almost everything.  I've always had those people in my life who have been my "sounding boards"; those individuals who will listen to you rant, rave, cry, complain, and also laugh and share the happiness in life, all without judgement. Even when I'm at a point where I sound narcissistic, these people know the real me enough to know that I'm really NOT that way.  That I DO care about others, how they feel, etc., almost to a fault, because I empathize with them.

Recently though, I've been going through a period where I've lost at least one of my sounding boards forever, my mom, due to Alzheimer's/dementia, (no more negativity around her, it affects her badly); and another at least temporarily, because of all the crap she's had to deal with lately.

In fact, part of why I'm writing this is because of not only what's going on with me, but with my friends.  It seems as though everyone I feel the closest to is going through a very rough time right now.  Friends with cancer, car wrecks, deaths, being hit by a car, you name it, and my friends are going through it; and handling it much better than me and what I'm going through.  At least that's been my perspective of late.  

Because I do care about my friends, but feel helpless in doing anything for them, I've shut down.  I stay to myself, because I don't want to start complaining about what I'm going through when they're having a rougher time than I am.  I want to be them, I want to be stronger, and do better, and not have to cry on someone all the time.  So, that's what I've been trying to do.  

In the process, I'm fairly sure at least one friend thinks I don't like them anymore, because I haven't checked in with them in months.  Meanwhile, I'm just plugging away, trying to get along and be strong like everyone around me seems to be.

I started noticing changes in myself, but ignored them as long as I could.  If I didn't acknowledge it, it would go away.  It didn't.  I remember at some point just posting this photo on Facebook, without saying anything about it.                                                                     

  I had friends who commented, asking if I was okay.  I realized then that all I'd done was draw attention to myself, which is what I was actually trying to avoid.  I private messaged those that asked, and was honest, I said no, I'm not okay.  Guilt at admitting that much however, (because I was still trying to be as strong as I perceived those around me to be), kept me from going into any details.  I decided at that point, no more posts on Facebook about it.  If someone asked, I'd be honest and say no, I'm not okay; but wouldn't allow myself to go into details.  It was my compromise with myself.  Another part of the compromise I made, I realized later:  I'm down, and broken, but I'm not crazy.  Yet, those who don't know me may think I'm crazy.  Despite everything, and generally not caring about things anymore, I still care what others may think about me.

At the same time this was going on with me, one of the guys I listen to on the radio in the morning, Tony Russell, of Tony, Jake and Jenn, (98.7 The Bull in Portland, Oregon), was always talking about the divorce he was going through at that time.  I haven't met Tony yet, but listening to him on the air talk about his troubles somehow comforted me.  There was one time I especially connected with something he said, about just starting to cry for no reason, no matter where he might be.  THAT was exactly what was going on with me as well.  

Then, earlier this week, Tony was talking on the air about how there'd been a complaint from a listener specifically about him.  This listener stated that they didn't want to hear about Tony's "train wreck of a life".  Tony wasn't upset about the listener's complaint, however, he did feel compelled to write a post about it on his blog on the station's website. Of course I had to read his post; I had to see what his response to this person was going to be.  Until then, I hadn't even considered that what I felt comforted by, and not so alone, would be annoying to someone else.

After I read it, I emailed Tony, asking if I could put a link to his post on my blog.  What Tony wrote is spot on to how I've been feeling; he's worded it better than I would have though, and I think it's something everyone should read.  For those who are interested, this is a link to Tony's original post:  http://www.987thebull.com/hi-name-tony-im-beautifully-broken/

For now, I'm still not okay, but I'm trying to do better, and I AM better than I was.